Aug 2001 The Green Jacket Talked to Jeff Oliver's mums

Jeff is a loyal society member who we often have a little dig at in the Green Jacket. Do you think he minds?

Not at all

Jeff often gets upset if things do not go his way. As a child was he always a spoilt moaning little brat?

Jeff was spoilt, he did like his own way. He did not like going to school, and would often be left screaming at the school gates

Jeff is refusing to fly to Ireland. Has he really got a fear of flying or does he think he’s Dennis Bergkamp?

Jeff really does not like flying. He’s had some bad experiences, so he likes his feet firmly on the ground. Who is Dennis Bergkamp?

We hear stories of Jeff getting very excited before golf days, not sleeping, practicing In the Garden at 4am. As a child did he show these child like qualities?

Oh yes!

A couple of years ago, Jeff turned to pipe smoking. How did you feel about that, and did you disown him as a mother?

The pipe was bad enough, but I put my foot down when he started wearing the “Red Indian” Head gear

Jeff has recently become a father. How will he cope? Katy was born 3 weeks ago, shes the image of Jeff and the apple of his eye.

He is loving every minute of it.

What about the getting up in the middle of the night, the crying, moaning and all the distrubution?

Jeff’s always been like that

Jeff’s sister Karen is married to Dave Allen. How do you cope. Do you ever think, is that fair! Why me?

Well someone had to marry Dave. Jeff and Dave get on really well, so it doesn’t really bother me.

We have seen Jeff play Golf , Tennis, and Football over the years. As a boy did he show any sporting ability at all.

Jeff had a special sporting position at school, he was always the last one left when they picked sides. As a child he loved sports, always took part in all school events, and yes showed plently of ability.

Thanks Maggie for your time

Northumberland Golfing Dictionary - What we say and what we mean

Play well
Have a nightmare

After you
No way am I am going first in front of all these people

Great shot
Lucky bugger

That's coming back nicely
That's a slice

Keep an eye on it
That's way out of bounds

Get up
That's well short

Stay left
That's going right

That's under the wind
You've thinned the pants off that

You've hit that a bit firm
Keep going

Not quite
Never had a chance

Unlucky
Thank God

Not bad
Not good

Your games coming along
Sunday football would be a better option

I've seen you play better
I've never seen you play worse

I had to go for it
I’ve just putted 12 ft past the hole

At least we had some fun
We all played rubbish

Thats a worker
Your poor shot is doing well

Northumberland Criminals

Dave Allen - Perverting the course of Justice
Given 6 months solitary confinement for tampering with the official handicap system.

Neil Hawkswood - Desertion
Given a round of applause for storming out in 1997 & never seen again.

Huggy Brown - Dangerous Driving
Given a training video to curb his driving without due care and attention

Reg Marsh - Transvestism
Given matching gloves and handbag for his appearance in a dress thing. Scotland 2000

Jeff Oliver Ignorance is no defence
For fragrantly refusing to except the rules given two months in solitary confinement with Dave Allen.

Mike Horgan - Ignoring speed limits
Given a kick up the ass for taking too long over his putts.

Graham Mann - Soliciting
Arrested for wiggling his bum in a sexual manner during his shot address. Now forced to shower alone on golf days

Danny Nuttall - Theft
Guilty of stealing the putting stroke of Doug Sanders.

Kevin Robinson - Racism
Guilty of beating all the white blokes at Ealing and West Herts. Given “Michael Jackson” like treatment to turn him white.

Jamie Constable - Bigamy
Jamie he’s bigger than me

Paul Brown - Suspicious behaviour
Paul got off on a technicality, despite over 50 attempts to take something home from a golf day, he continues to fail. Paul was given a copy of Vinnie Jone’s book “how to succeed when you are crap!”

Fashion Crimes
Many Northumberland stars have had verbal warnings from the fashion police

Simon Cliffe - Facial hair John Allen - Pink Shirt Huggy - That cap!
Chancellor - All his clothes
Dave Landsdown - Shorts like Rommel
Larry Holloway - Flapping shirts
Danny Nuttall - The Creased look